Holiday relaxation

Husband and I have been more or less playing Minecraft for the majority of our day for the last two days and this one looks like it could be another one.

Husband built a grand central station in the sky and we've been building tracks to popular locations on our map. It's crazy because his grand central station is in the southernmost part and two of the places he wants tracks to are in the northeast and west corners of the map (For those who don't know, Minecraft maps are long North to South but narrow from East to West). It's been super fun, though. I'm getting a LOT better with the controller and can actually run in a straight line now (important when the other option is falling to your death and searching for all the items you had before). That is super progress.

PS - this is all survival mode (but the last few days, it has been on the Peaceful setting, so at least I don't have to worry about creepers). We are not using any cheats at all, we are just going crazy with the grinding

States I've been in

So I'm a slacker and have set a goal to post more stuff on my blog. Pictures motivate me lots more than words, so if I don't have anything to say, I think I'll have to try to have a picture to post instead.

Anyways. A map!

http://www.defocus.net/visitedstates/generate.html

These are the states that I have visited.
Green = states where I have lived
Blue = states I have visited repeatedly (and spent the night)
Orange = states I have spent at least 1 night.
Pink = states I have driven through or had a layover in

I've slept in my car between Texas and Utah several times, but I don't think it counts enough to make NM orange...

Summer Installing

I don't have internet at my apartment--only when I'm over at SJ's or at the office, and even then, I barely have time to look at fb, much less anything else.

It's oddly disconcerting and relieving to fall off the planet for a while. The only communication I have with the outside world is through texting and phone calls, and even then, my time is limited because of my schedule of working afternoon-after dark Mon-Sat and Sundays for catching up on sleep.

An install is usually an hour or two, start to finish. However, I am on call for the entire time and I usually help others on their installs, so I don't really stop for long.

Today I have a schedule-out during prime time an hour away from the sales area, so except for that job, I have the entire day off, which is completely rare and valuable for catching up on all kinds of stuff


It started raining while I was in the office and I realized that my car's driver's side window was unrolled a little bit and it needed to be rolled up if I didn't want a damp car for the rest of the day--

I was not outside long, but got soaked just running to and from my car


On the bright side, the time is absolutely FLYING past. Before I know it, I will be married and back to normal schedules where I can look at internet memes at my leisure =)

Hiding Opinions

In most situations, I'll let you know my opinion in a heartbeat--no apologies, no hesitation at all. However, there are a few subjects that I share my opinion with almost noone. This came up a few weeks ago in a conversation with SJ because I had gotten upset because he kept returning to a subject that I disagreed with him that he had never really gotten the information on how I actually felt about it at all.

A few hours ago, I shared a small portion of my opinion and testimony of the gospel in a comment on a blog that I love to follow. I feel so much anxiety because of it. (Yay for going out of my comfort zone?) I eventually decided to push harder on that reluctance and share a little more instead of closing up again.

In middle school, I had a real-life experience of people getting misconceptions about my church. That, combined with how I practically live on the internet, has a lot to do with never voicing an opinion that I feel would be wildly controversial--religion, politics, certain musicians, Twilight... They are all internet argument powder kegs and I have stayed away from them as much as possible. I think I need to change that, at least a little, to avoid the situation that sparked this blog post in the first place.

Religion: I am Mormon. There are a couple of things that I have trouble with (some members, stance on homosexuality, etc), but right now, this is the best place I can be for me, personally. I subscribe to a very live and let live kind of lifestyle--if you aren't actively hurting others or even yourself, I don't care what you're doing. If our personalities are compatible, it doesn't matter at all what kind of life you live, I will be your friend.

The conversation that I had with SJ? It was about Twilight. I had casually voiced my opinion once or twice (I LOVED the writing style but was disappointed in how it ended up and hated the main character--bottom line, I kind of liked it and suspect that people who say they hate it actually hate the rabid fans and know nothing of the book). SJ voices his dislike of "sparkle fairies" every time Twilight is brought up, it seems. I don't really like his behavior because he hasn't even read the books or watched the movies (to be fair, I've only watched the first movie, but I've read all the books).
I feel like I've always leaned more towards the "don't knock it til you try it" stance or, more clearly, a strong opinion is earned from having more exposure to the subject-you don't get to tell people what to do in a certain situation unless you've been through it. <examples> I have no experience with homelessness, so I withhold almost all comments. I do have experience with psychological abuse and can be vocal about it if I think it will help someone else. I am an expert on which books I like and regard you with skepticism if you repeatedly tell me that my life isn't complete if I haven't read a specific book (especially if I've already decided not to read it because of what I have learned about the literature). </examples>

It's hard to share my opinions when they're not inconsequential, like what foods I like or don't like and my current favorite tv show...

Poisonous Control

My inspiration for this post was someone writing about a recent quote from the Salt Lake Tribune that "More than likely [people] divorce because one or both of [them] couldn't tell the difference between control and love."

While growing up, it felt like nobody believed that I was psychologically abused. I would tell my stories and the person I was telling would tell me that I was a rebellious teen and I would grow out of it because everyone has that point in their lives when they hate their parents. The world seems to have acknowledged physical abuse and sexual abuse, but pure psychological abuse is still kind of iffy, especially when you're young, though that is when abuse is most harmful. I am very grateful that it was only one of the three kinds of abuse and that it was moderate enough that I was able to make so much progress so soon after leaving Mom's realm of influence, but it is still abuse and it hurts.

I learned from an expert how to control others. It got to such a point that in late high school, nobody but my mom was real to me--everyone seemed like a piece in a chess match to use against her and that she used against me. I played them to maximum effect and yet my life was still miserable. It didn't matter who they were--boyfriend, family, teachers, whoever--they were all weapons in my battlefield. It was such a relief to leave. After I left for college and got used to only being answerable to mostly just me and also Mom having absolutely no power over what I did (except during summer break, and even that hold had been weakened), I started making progress in my quest to break the habit of control. I've gotten to the point that when I tell people that I used to use people as pawns, they show disbelief.

Someone, anyone, having control over me was and is harmful AND controlling others harmed me. Working on not controlling others was pretty straightforward--if I could avoid getting someone to do something that they didn't want to do by nefarious means, I win that competition against myself. I don't even remember the last time I've lost since my major breakthrough. However, learning to live life without being controlled was a lot harder--people don't usually come out and warn you that they're controlling--sometimes they don't even realize themselves. For a long time, I had thought that I had gotten away from others controlling me until one of my sisters pointed out that almost all my ex-boyfriends had that in common with each other. I hadn't seen it because someone close trying to control me was the norm and it hadn't occurred to me to leave that comfort zone or even realize that it was one of mine until I had already left.

Thought dump

In a combination of being totally overwhelmed with work and not feeling particularly inspired, I have not been posting. However, I am supposedly two nights of work away from being able to choose which days I stay up, and I've also had an idea kicking around in my head for a while and I think I've finally figured out a way to put it to words.

When I'm reminded of a very specific person, it elicits a strong reaction (it fluctuates, depending on how I'm reminded). Most recently, it was sadness. I had a great friend who had a great selection of friends who all welcomed me with open arms who I have lost in the mishandling of what went down. Mind, I don't regret that it went down (it needed to happen), just the mishandling of it--even though I have no idea how I could've done it right...

Today, I was minding my own business in a neutral to light mood and facebook reminded me through friends of friends that this person is still around and doing things. I felt immediately sad and because of my practice in therapy and being sick of depression, I asked myself if I wanted to stay sad instead of just defaulting--it's always a struggle. Part of the way I decided I could get past this small little event was to tell the internet about it. Psychologically, it's my way of telling my brain that if I disappear into my cocoon, someone will notice and tell me to break out of it.

After further thought, I asked myself if I blame them and if so, do I need to forgive them? No matter how much reluctance I'm feeling, I think I do. I really do need to brush up on this forgiveness thing.